Identity & Ambition Shifts: Understanding Matrescence
This guide is for working mothers (new or a few years in) who feel like something has fundamentally shifted in who they are and what they want, and aren't sure whether to trust that feeling or push through it.
Contributed By: Sarah Deel · Founder, Full Joy Consulting
The Core Challenge
Matrescence, the psychological and identity transformation of becoming a mother, is real, documented, and deeply undertalked about in professional circles. For generations, the women who came before us didn't have language for what they were experiencing, so they did what was modeled: they forced the bounce-back. They returned to work as the same person with the same priorities because that was the only option, and because no one told them it was okay to feel otherwise. We are now living in a cultural moment where we can name this, talk about it, and navigate it with more intention. That shift matters because what happens when you don't name it is that you white-knuckle your way through a life that no longer fits. And that is how identity loss actually happens. Not in the transformation itself, but in the refusal to honor it.
Key insight
You are evolving. The majority of mothers who feel something when they return to work are experiencing identity evolution, not identity loss. You still very much feel like the person you were before, and you are also transformed. Both things are true, and neither cancels the other out. The caterpillar doesn't disappear. She becomes a butterfly.
Practical Strategies
1. Name what's happening. Matrescence is a word. Use it. Knowing that what you are experiencing has been studied, named, and validated by researchers is the first step toward navigating it with intention rather than panic. You are not broken. You are not ungrateful. You are becoming.
2. Separate identity evolution from identity loss; they require different responses. Identity evolution feels like this: my values have shifted, I want something different, I don't recognize my old priorities. Identity loss feels like this: I don't know who I am at all, I've disappeared, I've given everything to everyone else. Most mothers are in the first category, not the second. Naming which one you're in changes how you respond to it.
3. Ask yourself the right question. Not "if my job disappeared tomorrow, what would I miss?" That question is rooted in fear. Instead, ask: what do I want my lifestyle to look like? How do I want to spend the majority of my days? That answer will show you who you want to be now and point you toward the decisions that need to follow.
4. Talk to someone who knows and loves you unconditionally. A partner, a sibling, a trusted friend, a parent who really sees you... someone who is going to accept and love you regardless of what you decide. Let them be a mirror to reflect you back to yourself. You don't need advice yet. You need to be seen by someone who knew you before and knows you now.
5. Write it down. Pen to paper, no format, no rules, no audience. Just start answering the questions: what has shifted? What do I actually want? What am I afraid to admit I want? Writing externalizes what is living in your nervous system and makes it possible to look at with some distance. You don't have to have answers. You just have to start.
A Small First STep
Ask yourself one question this week and write the answer down honestly: how do I want to spend the majority of my days? Don't filter for what's practical yet. Just answer.
Follow Sarah on LinkedIn for ongoing conversations about matrescence, working motherhood, and building a career that fits who you're becoming.
